From belief to experience and faith

After practicing (albeit imperfectly) Christianity for more than four decades I have come to a realization - I really don't know what to believe! I do know that Jesus is my Lord and my God. Apart from that I am not sure if I really believe anything. May be, that is exactly the point. Any sort of belief limits your experience of God.

I have experienced Christ fleetingly though intensely. But I can't  make any generalization based on those experiences on 'how Christ really operates' - other than to say that He operates in mysterious ways (or ways that are best known to Himself).

Yes, there are parts of the Christian belief system that resonates with me - 'Christ being fully man and fully God at the same time' for example. Of course, I don't even begin to understand what that involved or even what that meant.

May be, knowing about Christ is the biggest impediment for knowing Christ (the same holds good in the case of mortals also). May be, God can only be experienced and not understood. Experience can lead to faith. If we keep the experience pure (un-corrupted by generalizations and belief), life can become a dance with God!

It is interesting to note that the 'direct experience' approach was much more mainstream in Christianity in earlier times that it is now. Direct experience is inherently personal and leads to personal (subjective) truth (MY GOD). Also it is quite unpredictable and difficult to describe using language. Hence it is a tricky proposition in the institutionalized forms of Christianity that often needs a common belief system, common rituals and common interpretation of the religious experience. At the same time direct experience is more authentic and 'scientific' (empirical) even with a degree of 'measurement error' (While the mystical doesn't need support from the analytical to be valid, any convergence is a definite plus). Yes, there is an individual  dependence of the experience. But observer dependence of phenomenon is a basic principle in quantum mechanics also! 

A conversation (Part 2)

Me: Why are you so unpredictable?
Jesus: Why do you want me to be predictable?
Me: So that I can understand you!
Jesus: And then predict my behaviour and then try to control me? (smiles) If you can control me then who is the God here?
Me: You have a point there. But may be I just want to relate to you better.
Jesus : For that what you need to do is to spend time with me.
Me: So we can only experience God and not understand God?
Jesus: It depends on your understanding of the word understanding! (smiles)
Me: Yes, it is difficult to differentiate between unknowable and unknown (not yet known)! May be if we experience you we can develop some hypotheses about you
Jesus: At your own risk (smiles). Remember, experience is dynamic. The cutting edge of experience is often too dynamic for understanding.
Yes: A static theology can't 'capture' dynamic experience of God
Jesus: Trying to 'capture' a limitless God in a limited mind and in an even more limited language is indeed a troublesome endeavour!

ജീവിത ശകടം പംക്ച്ചര്‍ ആയി!

ജീവിത ശകടം കൂടെ കൂടെ പംക്ച്ചര്‍ ആകുന്നു. ആലോചിച്ചു നോക്കി - എന്താ കാരണം എന്ന്.

ആദ്യമൊന്നും പിടികിട്ടിയില്ല. പിന്നെ മനസ്സിലായി. പ്രശ്നം സ്പയര്‍ ടായരിന്ടെ ഉപയോഗവുമായി ബന്ധപെട്ടതാണ്.


ദൈവത്തിനോട് ഒരു സ്പയര്‍ ടായരിനോടെന്നതുപോലെ ആണ് പെരുമാറുന്നത്. വണ്ടി ഓടുമ്പോള്‍ സ്പെയര്‍ ടയറിനെ കുറിച്ച് ആര്‍ ചിന്തിക്കുന്നു? സ്പയര്‍ ടായരുമായുള്ള സംസര്‍ഗം വണ്ടി ‍പംക്ച്ചര്‍ ആകുമ്പോള്‍ മാത്രം! ദൈവമാകുന്ന സ്പയര്‍ ടയര്‍ ഇടുമ്പോള്‍ വണ്ടി നന്നായി ഓടുന്നു. അത് മാറ്റി സാധാരണ ടയര്‍ ഇടുമ്പോള്‍ വണ്ടി വീണ്ടും പംക്ച്ചര്‍ ആകുന്നു. 

ദൈവമേ, വണ്ടി ഓടുമ്പോള്‍ തന്നെ നിന്നെപ്പറ്റി ചിന്തിക്കാനുള്ള മനസ്സ് എനിക്ക് തരേണമേ!

“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name".(Psalm 91:14)

ദൈവത്തിനു ചൂണ്ട ഇടുന്നു!

ദൈവവുമായി ചില ധാരണകള്‍ ഉണ്ടാക്കാന്‍ ഞാന്‍‍ നടത്തിയ ശ്രമങ്ങളെ പറ്റി ഇതിനു മുന്‍പ് എഴുതിയിരുന്നു; അവയൊന്നും വിജയിച്ചില്ലെന്നും. ഈ ശ്രമങ്ങള്‍ പരാജയപ്പെടാനുള്ള ചില കാരണങ്ങളും പറഞ്ഞിരുന്നു. ഇപ്പോള്‍ തോന്നുന്നു വേറൊരു കാരണം കൂടി ഉണ്ടായിരുന്നു എന്ന്.

കാരണം ലളിതം ആണ്. ഈ ശ്രമങ്ങള്‍ ഒരു തരത്തില്‍ ദൈവത്തിനു ചൂണ്ട ഇടാനുള്ള പരിപാടികള്‍ ആയിരുന്നു. ശ്രമങ്ങളുടെ അടിസ്ഥാന ഭാവം ഇതായിരുന്നു : "ദൈവമേ ഞാന്‍ ഇതു ചൈയ്യാം, പകരമായി നീ അത് ചെയ്യേണമേ", അല്ലെങ്ങില്‍ "ദൈവമേ ഞാന്‍ ഈ നല്ല കാര്യം ചെയ്തിരിക്കുന്നു പകരമായി ഞാന്‍ അത് പ്രതീക്ഷിക്കുന്നു". വലിയ മീനിനെ പിടിക്കാന്‍ ചെറിയ ഇര ഇട്ടു കൊടുക്കുനതു പോലെ!

ദൈവം ചൂണ്ടയില്‍ വീണില്ല. ദൈവത്തിന്നു സ്തോത്രം!

പിന്നെ തോന്നി - ഈ പ്രശ്‌നം കുറച്ചുകൂടി വ്യാപകം ആണെന്ന്. നമ്മുടെ പല പ്രാര്‍ത്ഥനകളും നേര്‍ച്ചകളും ഇത്തരത്തില്‍ ഉള്ളവ ആല്ലേ?

ഞാന്‍ ദൈവത്തോട് പറഞ്ഞു "ചൂണ്ട ഇടാന്‍ ശ്രമിച്ചത് ക്ഷമിക്കേണമേ". ദൈവം പറഞ്ഞു "ഞാന്‍ ചൂണ്ടകളില്‍ വീഴുന്ന ദൈവമല്ല. ഒരു കാര്യത്തില്‍ എനിക്ക് സന്തോഷം ഉണ്ട് - ചൂണ്ട ഇടുമ്പോള്‍ എങ്കിലും നീ എന്നെപറ്റി ചിന്തിച്ചല്ലോ. എന്നെക്കുറിച്ച് ചിന്തിക്കുവാന്‍ ചൂണ്ട ഇടീല്‍ നിനക്ക് അവശ്യം എങ്കില്‍ എത്ര വേണമെങ്കിലും ചൂണ്ട ഇട്ടുകൊള്ളൂ. ഞാന്‍ വീഴാതെ നോക്കിക്കോളാം."

ചൂണ്ട ഇടുക, ചിന്തിക്കുക. ചൂണ്ട ഇല്ലാതെ ദൈവത്തെ ധ്യാനിക്കുവാന്‍ കഴിയുന്നത്‌ വരെ.

ഹോമയാഗങ്ങഴെക്കാള്‍ ദൈവപരിജ്ഞാനത്തില്‍ ഞാന്‍ പ്രസാദിക്കുന്നു (ഹോശേയ 6:6)

"I want you to show love, not offer sacrifices. I want you to know me more than I want burnt offerings" (Hosea 6:6)

Creative destruction: Fullness in vacuum!

I have been searching for some sort of‘equilibrium’ in my relationship with God. But as soon as I think I have reached a ‘workable equilibrium’ it promptly gets destroyed. This pattern has been repeating over and over again in the last few years of my life. This has left me quite unsettled and puzzled.

“What is the meaning of all this?” I have often asked myself. Isn’t it reasonable to wish for some sort of stability and predictability in one’s relationship with God – especially when one is trying to anchor one’s entire life around that relationship? Won’t this kind of a pattern destroy a person’s self confidence, self respect and even his belief in God?

While I haven’t yet found any ‘logical’ answers to the above questions, the following is ‘my current thinking on this matter’! May be, my definition of equilibrium is a bit too ‘static’. May be, my compulsion to reach equilibrium (even a ‘dynamic equilibrium’) is coming from a hidden desire for predicting and even influencing God’s actions (which is a dubious endeavor - as I have discussed here and here).

May be, all my beliefs about God (including the belief that such beliefs can work!) have to be destroyed before true understanding of God can emerge. May be, once the mental chatter/clutter from all these beliefs and hopes is cleared, knowledge of God would emerge from that silence! May be, this is also a belief and/or hope. May be ...

A Divine Example

In the previous post, I had described how my assumptions (beliefs) about God were 'proved' to be inaccurate (one by one - over a period of time - through hard experience) and how that in turn forced me to think about what kind of belief (if any) would be appropriate for me. I had also said that any assumption, belief or any definition of God will limit God and hence it might not be a good idea to have any such beliefs or definitions and that 'pure faith' (without any beliefs) might be the answer. I was thinking about examples of such pure faith. Initially, I was not successful in this endeavor. Then I came across (during a sermon in my church) what I think can serve as an excellent example - based on the behavior of none other than Jesus himself.

There are seven sayings of Jesus on the cross (seven short phrases that Jesus uttered at his crucifixion immediately before he died, gathered from the four Gospels). The fourth saying was that "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?". And the last (seventh) saying was that "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit". Now, here we have a Man, who after having felt that God had forsaken Him, again saying that He is committing His spirit into God's hands. Can there be a better example of pure faith - after all the beliefs had been broken down!

One thing that I know...

"Is there something that I learned from my life so far in the domain of spirituality?" - This is a question that has been popping up in my mind quite often these days. A few years ago, I thought that I knew quite a lot in this domain. I am not so sure any more. It is in my nature to 'doubt' and to 'question' - any sort of knowledge/conclusions. May be, the way towards faith for me is through 'doubting my doubts' (e.g. 'how do I know that I don't know?').

Let me come back to the original question that I started this post with. There is nothing that I am absolutely sure of - in the sense of having arrived at my final unchangeable conclusion. I feel that one's answers to fundamental questions in life should (and do) evolve throughout one's life. This also means that one's knowledge/conclusions also evolve. Having said this, there is something (among the list of inferences that I have drawn from life so far) that is quite high in terms of degree of conviction - at least at this point.

The inference is something like this. I can't understand God in the scientific meaning of the term 'understand'. In science, when one tries to understand a 'phenomenon', it is usually with the objective to use the understanding to predict and possibly influence (or even control) the phenomenon. Now, any definition of God will limit God and hence can be problematic. Also, if one is able to predict what God will do or if one is able to influence God's actions, that can also limit God. While I do think that it is possible to get connected to God, to catch a glimpse of God's mind or even to feel one with God, I think that these are hugely dependent on the 'Grace of God'. While one's readiness/preparedness/actions can be a significant factor, it is definitely not a sufficient condition or even a necessary condition!