"My Lord and my God!"

As you might have observed in many of the posts in this blog, I have a strong need, or, even a compulsion to 'understand'. Part of this comes from curiosity. Part of this probably comes from the idea  that understanding would allow me to predict, and, may be even to influence. My mind has a tendency to automatically do elaborate 'scenario planning' even when it is not required. While this did help me in my work in the field of management, it also created a lot of mental chatter that cluttered my mind.

One good thing that has happened to me because of the Covid crisis and the highly unpredictable situation coming out of that is that it sort of 'broke down' my compulsive scenario planning. While it did make me very uneasy initially, now I am more comfortable in the 'cloud of unknowing'.   

Something similar has also happened regarding my relationship with God. Earlier, I had created many mental models about my relationship with God, that (mercifully!) evolved as my understanding evolved. However, the mental models remained, and, they acted as some sort of lenses with which I viewed my relationship with God. Since no lens is perfect, they introduced their own distortion even though they gave me some (false) sense of understanding.  

In the last few months, this understanding, beliefs and mental models went through a process of 'stripping away'. Now, all that remains is a cry, "My Lord and my God", the same one uttered by the apostle Thomas during his encounter with the risen Christ (John 20:28 - And Thomas answered him, "My Lord and my God!").  

I don't know what this cry ("my Lord and my God!")  really means to me. But, it resonates with me very strongly. 'Strangely',  I am very comfortable with this 'not knowing'!!

I had really felt like this only once before. During one of the training programs that I had attended (that was run largely like a human process lab), there was an exercise in which we were given 30 minutes of time to do whatever we wanted, under the conditions that we can't make eye contact, speak to anyone, look at our phones etc. So, I walked around rather aimlessly, and then I sat down under a big tree. After some time, I became very intensely aware of my surroundings. Then, I had this great urge to pray. But, when I tried to do that, no words would come to my mind, however hard I tried. I started getting 'psyched up', as I had never experienced anything like that before. Then, suddenly, I felt that I am hearing the voice of Jesus telling me that "No words are required. Just say my name". Then I started saying the word 'Jesus' and in a very short time, I was so overwhelmed by a very intense feeling of peace and acceptance that tears started rolling down my cheeks. 

May be, this newfound comfort in 'not knowing' is what exactly I need to experience life as it is and as it comes. May be, not having fixed beliefs about God is the way to experience God. It is indeed such a blessing, that we can experience even when we don't really understand!  

Of matter, spirit and 'sins' of the father

The incident that triggered this post happened when my son was about 7 years old. At that time. he had become fascinated by 'black holes' , especially their immensely powerful gravitational pull, that won't let let anything (even light) escape if it gets too close. He was also a very religious kid.

One day,  he came to me and said that he is very concerned that 'God might fall into a black hole'! It was a very interesting statement. While most of the adults tend to separate ' the spiritual from the material', and hence won't make such statements, no such distinction exists in the mind of a child. So the challenge was to give him an answer which he can understand (within his worldview) and is also not 'wrong'.

So, I told  him the following. "Since God has created the universe, He knows where the black holes are and hence there is no danger of God accidentally falling into a black hole". When, my son was a bit older, I gave him a better answer. "The gravitational pull of  a black hole affects only material objects. Since God is not made of matter, black holes won't have any impact on Him'!

I remember this incident for many reasons. First, when it comes to fundamental questions, our answers should evolve as our understanding and our worldview evolves. Second, it reminds me of the interactions that I used to have with my father, when I was a child. I also, used to ask my father a lot of questions. He used to take a lot of care to give me answers that I can understand and are at least 'directionally correct'.

For example, if I ask him why I should not put anything into an power socket, he would say something like "there is fire inside the socket and you will get burned if you insert anything into it". This is a great answer to a child who is too young to understand electricity and electric shock but understands the damage fire can do. While other answers like "there is a demon inside the socket and it would catch you if you poke it' would have also kept me away from the power socket, it would have unnecessarily complicated my worldview and and might even have led to me not trusting his responses when I grow up. Similarly, if he had just dismissed my question as silly or asked me just to obey without asking questions, it would have made me feel rejected and/or rebellious. 

I am very grateful to my father for spending so much time with me, for patiently listening to all my (childish/child like) questions and ideas, and for giving me responses that enabled me to feel understood and affirmed, to explore more and to develop a balanced perspective. It is not only the 'sins' of the father, but also the 'good deeds of the father' that impacts the future generations!