One thing that I know...

"Is there something that I learned from my life so far in the domain of spirituality?" - This is a question that has been popping up in my mind quite often these days. A few years ago, I thought that I knew quite a lot in this domain. I am not so sure any more. It is in my nature to 'doubt' and to 'question' - any sort of knowledge/conclusions. May be, the way towards faith for me is through 'doubting my doubts' (e.g. 'how do I know that I don't know?').

Let me come back to the original question that I started this post with. There is nothing that I am absolutely sure of - in the sense of having arrived at my final unchangeable conclusion. I feel that one's answers to fundamental questions in life should (and do) evolve throughout one's life. This also means that one's knowledge/conclusions also evolve. Having said this, there is something (among the list of inferences that I have drawn from life so far) that is quite high in terms of degree of conviction - at least at this point.

The inference is something like this. I can't understand God in the scientific meaning of the term 'understand'. In science, when one tries to understand a 'phenomenon', it is usually with the objective to use the understanding to predict and possibly influence (or even control) the phenomenon. Now, any definition of God will limit God and hence can be problematic. Also, if one is able to predict what God will do or if one is able to influence God's actions, that can also limit God. While I do think that it is possible to get connected to God, to catch a glimpse of God's mind or even to feel one with God, I think that these are hugely dependent on the 'Grace of God'. While one's readiness/preparedness/actions can be a significant factor, it is definitely not a sufficient condition or even a necessary condition!

My biggest gift and my biggest curse

Of late I am coming to the realization that my biggest gift is also my biggest curse.

My biggest gift is the ability to see three steps ahead. This enables me to visualize what could happen at a later stage if a particular action is taken now. So as soon as I hear something my mind races off to visualize multiple scenarios (and their probabilities and their implications) that could result as a result of the current situation and the inherent choices in the current situation. I call this a 'gift' because I was born with it, though I might have fine-tuned/polished it to some extent. This ability to do scenario planning/strategic thinking has helped me a lot in my career. So this has been a very valuable gift.

Now let me explain why this gift is also my biggest curse. This ability that enables me to 'see' possible opportunities in the future also enables (or forces) me to see possible problems. This becomes even more problematic when I am not in a great mood - I tend to visualize lot more problems than opportunities. This in turn worsens my mood further and brings in the possibility that a vicious cycle might develop. In addition to all this there is the risk that this scenario planning ability (especially when it runs wild) could lead to 'paralysis by analysis'. So some times it becomes very difficult for me to 'make a decision and move ahead' even when that is the 'wisest' thing to do. Thus I end up thinking (or even worrying) too much. This is the reason why I say that this ability is biggest curse in addition to being my biggest gift.

If we analyze the above descriptions carefully, it becomes apparent that the key intervening variable in this cause-effect chain is my mood/frame of mind. So logically speaking, the solution lies in maintaining a positive frame of mind. But it is easier said than done.

Any comments?