Designed to think?!!

"The quality of my thinking is directly proportional to the level of my frustration", I heard myself saying this to a friend of mine. Initially, I didn't think much about it. I felt that I was just trying to be funny. Then I realized that the above statement came from the core of my being and hence I should look at it more closely.

I like to think. I feel happy when I sit down and think (in a relaxed manner) about a topic that I am exploring. The results of the various psychometric instruments that I have taken show a preference for thinking/intellectual activity. However, this does not mean that I actually do a lot of thinking or even that I am good in thinking.

May be, I am not doing as much thinking as I should. May be, I have fallen into some sort of an intellectual slumber and frustration (with other parts of my life) is required to wake me up! May be, when I feel uncomfortable I sort of 'regress' into thinking as a source of comfort. May be, I have some sort of a 'fear of failure' when it comes to intellectual activities also and frustration is required to overcome that. My be, I am 'designed to think' (possibly about certain topics) and my path to happiness and fulfillment is through thinking about/exploring those topics/aspects to the maximum extent of my abilities/talents!!!

Creative destruction: Fullness in vacuum!

I have been searching for some sort of‘equilibrium’ in my relationship with God. But as soon as I think I have reached a ‘workable equilibrium’ it promptly gets destroyed. This pattern has been repeating over and over again in the last few years of my life. This has left me quite unsettled and puzzled.

“What is the meaning of all this?” I have often asked myself. Isn’t it reasonable to wish for some sort of stability and predictability in one’s relationship with God – especially when one is trying to anchor one’s entire life around that relationship? Won’t this kind of a pattern destroy a person’s self confidence, self respect and even his belief in God?

While I haven’t yet found any ‘logical’ answers to the above questions, the following is ‘my current thinking on this matter’! May be, my definition of equilibrium is a bit too ‘static’. May be, my compulsion to reach equilibrium (even a ‘dynamic equilibrium’) is coming from a hidden desire for predicting and even influencing God’s actions (which is a dubious endeavor - as I have discussed here and here).

May be, all my beliefs about God (including the belief that such beliefs can work!) have to be destroyed before true understanding of God can emerge. May be, once the mental chatter/clutter from all these beliefs and hopes is cleared, knowledge of God would emerge from that silence! May be, this is also a belief and/or hope. May be ...

Samayamam radhathil (On the chariot of time)

If one tries to find out which is the Christian song in Malayalam that the maximum number of people know, the answer is likely to be 'Samayamam radhathil njan swarga yathra cheyyunnu' (I am traveling towards haven on the chariot of time). However, one is also likely to find that people sing it very rarely and that most people are rather uncomfortable with this song.

'Samayamam radhathil' is an absolutely beautiful song that was written by the missionary Volbrecht Nagel. It is so amazing, and probably a case of divine inspiration, that a foreigner could write such a beautiful song in Malayalam. Much later, this song was used  (with minor modifications)  in the movie Aranazhikaneram and that added to the popularity of the song.

But, people are still a bit wary of  this song as, this song is sung during all funerals. Thus, people associate this song with death, a very uncomfortable subject indeed for most people!

However, if we can live with our discomfort for a moment and look at the song more carefully, we will find that this song is more about life  and life after life than it is about death.

Our journey towards haven begins much before we die. Actually, the key part (and possibly the part that we can influence the most) of the journey takes place while we are alive. So, this song is equally about our walk with God while we are very much alive. This is so beautifully expressed in lines like 'bharangal koodunnathinu onnum venda yatrayil' (my journey doesn't need anything that encumbers me) and 'raathriyil njan daivathinte kaikalil urangunnu' (in the night, I sleep peacefully in the arms of God).

Yes, the song does talk about the 'end of our journey' (death) and about the 'life after life'. To me, this is essential to enable us to look at our lives differently and to live life more confidently, without being too overwhelmed by the fear of death.

When this song talks about death, 'aake alpa neram maathram ente yaathra theeruvaan' (it is just a little while for my journey to end), it makes us more aware of the limited time we have in this world, and hence exhorts us to live our life more intentionally and fully.

Hence, the next time we come across (or, seek out!) this song, let's listen to it/read it/experience it  with an open mind, so that we would be inspired and transformed by it, enabling us to be more effective and joyful in our walk with God!