"My Lord and my God!"

As you might have observed in many of the posts in this blog, I have a strong need, or, even a compulsion to 'understand'. Part of this comes from curiosity. Part of this probably comes from the idea  that understanding would allow me to predict, and, may be even to influence. My mind has a tendency to automatically do elaborate 'scenario planning' even when it is not required. While this did help me in my work in the field of management, it also created a lot of mental chatter that cluttered my mind.

One good thing that has happened to me because of the Covid crisis and the highly unpredictable situation coming out of that is that it sort of 'broke down' my compulsive scenario planning. While it did make me very uneasy initially, now I am more comfortable in the 'cloud of unknowing'.   

Something similar has also happened regarding my relationship with God. Earlier, I had created many mental models about my relationship with God, that (mercifully!) evolved as my understanding evolved. However, the mental models remained, and, they acted as some sort of lenses with which I viewed my relationship with God. Since no lens is perfect, they introduced their own distortion even though they gave me some (false) sense of understanding.  

In the last few months, this understanding, beliefs and mental models went through a process of 'stripping away'. Now, all that remains is a cry, "My Lord and my God", the same one uttered by the apostle Thomas during his encounter with the risen Christ (John 20:28 - And Thomas answered him, "My Lord and my God!").  

I don't know what this cry ("my Lord and my God!")  really means to me. But, it resonates with me very strongly. 'Strangely',  I am very comfortable with this 'not knowing'!!

I had really felt like this only once before. During one of the training programs that I had attended (that was run largely like a human process lab), there was an exercise in which we were given 30 minutes of time to do whatever we wanted, under the conditions that we can't make eye contact, speak to anyone, look at our phones etc. So, I walked around rather aimlessly, and then I sat down under a big tree. After some time, I became very intensely aware of my surroundings. Then, I had this great urge to pray. But, when I tried to do that, no words would come to my mind, however hard I tried. I started getting 'psyched up', as I had never experienced anything like that before. Then, suddenly, I felt that I am hearing the voice of Jesus telling me that "No words are required. Just say my name". Then I started saying the word 'Jesus' and in a very short time, I was so overwhelmed by a very intense feeling of peace and acceptance that tears started rolling down my cheeks. 

May be, this newfound comfort in 'not knowing' is what exactly I need to experience life as it is and as it comes. May be, not having fixed beliefs about God is the way to experience God. It is indeed such a blessing, that we can experience even when we don't really understand!  

Creative destruction: Fullness in vacuum!

I have been searching for some sort of‘equilibrium’ in my relationship with God. But as soon as I think I have reached a ‘workable equilibrium’ it promptly gets destroyed. This pattern has been repeating over and over again in the last few years of my life. This has left me quite unsettled and puzzled.

“What is the meaning of all this?” I have often asked myself. Isn’t it reasonable to wish for some sort of stability and predictability in one’s relationship with God – especially when one is trying to anchor one’s entire life around that relationship? Won’t this kind of a pattern destroy a person’s self confidence, self respect and even his belief in God?

While I haven’t yet found any ‘logical’ answers to the above questions, the following is ‘my current thinking on this matter’! May be, my definition of equilibrium is a bit too ‘static’. May be, my compulsion to reach equilibrium (even a ‘dynamic equilibrium’) is coming from a hidden desire for predicting and even influencing God’s actions (which is a dubious endeavor - as I have discussed here and here).

May be, all my beliefs about God (including the belief that such beliefs can work!) have to be destroyed before true understanding of God can emerge. May be, once the mental chatter/clutter from all these beliefs and hopes is cleared, knowledge of God would emerge from that silence! May be, this is also a belief and/or hope. May be ...

From Cross to Crucifix

Till a few years ago, I used to prefer a Cross over a Crucifix. Actually, I was a bit uncomfortable with crucifix. Crucifix seemed to invoke somewhat messy and painful sensations in me. In comparison, cross appeared to be neat and elegant. Also, if Jesus Christ has 'already overcome the cross' (through resurrection) why put him back there unnecessarily? 

These days, I prefer a crucifix over a cross. I feel that crucifix is more real. Maybe, it is because I can relate better with a crucifix now. I think that it reflects a change in my perspective on life and on God over the years.

Till a few years ago, my self image was that of a person who is 'not perfect but largely OK and largely in control of his life'. Over the years, expanding life has brought in new complexities, problems, paradoxes and dilemms. Many of these (especially the paradoxes and dilemmas) have no neat solutions and hence one has to learn live with them. Hence, I am beginning to understand the inherent 'messiness' in life.

Maybe, it is not appropriate to call it 'messiness' (as it might have a negative connotation). Maybe, it is the essential reality of life and spiritual growth and anything 'neater' than this would take away from the richness of life. This also makes one more humble and more welcoming of God's grace! Grace is an essential requirement for successfully grappling with the problems, complexities, dilemmas and paradoxes and to learn and grow in the process.

Another relevant factor in my case is an increased awareness of the reality of the 'person' of Christ - in the sense of being 'fully God and fully man' at the same time. Now, this mystery (of being 'fully God and fully man at the same time') is something that I have very much struggled to understand over the years, often making many mistakes in the process. It is very easy to make the mistake of underestimating one of the aspects and overestimating the other aspect.

For example, a few years ago I thought that Christ was essentially a divine being and that his human nature was secondary - something that the divine being can put on and take off - almost like a cloth - to achieve the divine objectives.

The problem with this kind of thinking is that this could lead to the conclusion that the crucifixion and the suffering of Christ was not fully real (at least in the physical/human plane) or that the 'teachings of Christ' was more important than the 'life of Christ on the earth'.

With God's grace, after many messy, painful and highly personal struggles with the ambiguities, problems, dilemmas and paradoxes of life over many years (a process that might be very similar to what is meant by the 'circumcision of the heart'), now I think that Christ's crucifixion and suffering was real* and that the 'life of Christ on the earth' (being 'fully man and fully God at the same time') is what makes his teachings real. Also, now I am of the opinion that the biggest miracle of Jesus was himself (being fully man and fully God at the same time) and that itself is the key message of Christianity. 

Moreover, this gives me the confidence that Jesus can understand me and relate to my problems and suffering. Remember, Jesus retained his wounds even after resurrection! In a way, 'the God who suffers with us' even now (and not just suffered for us once a long time ago) and hence is 'with us' in a very real way, is definitely more comforting!

All this makes me prefer a crucifix over a cross. The Christ that I am interested in is the Christ that I can experience and relate to,  and  who can understand me and my human problems and struggles! 

Of course, I believe that Christ also experienced joy (in addition to sorrow) during his life on earth and that his joy was equally real as his sorrow. So, Christ can be there with me in both my joy and sorrow! 

*Note:  Recently, I came to know that my initial inference (underestimating the the humanness of Christ) was a 'heresy' called 'Docetism' (attributed mainly to Gnostics) that existed during the first few centuries of the Christian Era. Maybe, I should try to learn more about Church history !