Creative destruction: Fullness in vacuum!

I have been searching for some sort of‘equilibrium’ in my relationship with God. But as soon as I think I have reached a ‘workable equilibrium’ it promptly gets destroyed. This pattern has been repeating over and over again in the last few years of my life. This has left me quite unsettled and puzzled.

“What is the meaning of all this?” I have often asked myself. Isn’t it reasonable to wish for some sort of stability and predictability in one’s relationship with God – especially when one is trying to anchor one’s entire life around that relationship? Won’t this kind of a pattern destroy a person’s self confidence, self respect and even his belief in God?

While I haven’t yet found any ‘logical’ answers to the above questions, the following is ‘my current thinking on this matter’! May be, my definition of equilibrium is a bit too ‘static’. May be, my compulsion to reach equilibrium (even a ‘dynamic equilibrium’) is coming from a hidden desire for predicting and even influencing God’s actions (which is a dubious endeavor - as I have discussed here and here).

May be, all my beliefs about God (including the belief that such beliefs can work!) have to be destroyed before true understanding of God can emerge. May be, once the mental chatter/clutter from all these beliefs and hopes is cleared, knowledge of God would emerge from that silence! May be, this is also a belief and/or hope. May be ...