My biggest gift and my biggest curse

Of late I am coming to the realization that my biggest gift is also my biggest curse.

My biggest gift is the ability to see three steps ahead. This enables me to visualize what could happen at a later stage if a particular action is taken now. So as soon as I hear something my mind races off to visualize multiple scenarios (and their probabilities and their implications) that could result as a result of the current situation and the inherent choices in the current situation. I call this a 'gift' because I was born with it, though I might have fine-tuned/polished it to some extent. This ability to do scenario planning/strategic thinking has helped me a lot in my career. So this has been a very valuable gift.

Now let me explain why this gift is also my biggest curse. This ability that enables me to 'see' possible opportunities in the future also enables (or forces) me to see possible problems. This becomes even more problematic when I am not in a great mood - I tend to visualize lot more problems than opportunities. This in turn worsens my mood further and brings in the possibility that a vicious cycle might develop. In addition to all this there is the risk that this scenario planning ability (especially when it runs wild) could lead to 'paralysis by analysis'. So some times it becomes very difficult for me to 'make a decision and move ahead' even when that is the 'wisest' thing to do. Thus I end up thinking (or even worrying) too much. This is the reason why I say that this ability is biggest curse in addition to being my biggest gift.

If we analyze the above descriptions carefully, it becomes apparent that the key intervening variable in this cause-effect chain is my mood/frame of mind. So logically speaking, the solution lies in maintaining a positive frame of mind. But it is easier said than done.

Any comments?

What shapes my perspective?

The introduction to this blog talks about exploring and celebrating life from my unique perspective. So what is this unique perspective? Answers to this question can be attempted at many levels - from very material ones to very mystical ones. To put it in another way, it can range from those from the point of view of my self to those from the point of view of my Self - 'self' meaning my 'personality' and 'Self' meaning my 'ultimate Self'. This post is essentially at the level of 'personality'. It is also the level of my biases, prejudices and assumptions. I feel that exploring the factors that that have shaped my perspective is an essential part of exploring and celebrating life. This series of posts strives for a deeper understanding and appreciation of these factors.

I feel that one of the key factors that influences my perspective is my double heritage - that of being a Christian and an Indian (a Syrian Christian from central Kerala to be precise). I am not sure about the extent to which this has influenced/biased my perspective. After all, exploring oneself is a tricky venture.

If we examine Christianity in Kerala, it has some very interesting dimensions. Syrian Christians in Kerala claim 2000 years of Christian heritage - dating back to the arrival of St.Thomas in India. Now this 2000 years of coexistence has influenced both Kerala and Christianity. The impact of Christianity in Kerala is quite apparent - especially in fields like education. For example the word for school in Malayam is 'pallikootam'. 'Palli' means a church building and hence pallikootam literally means an annexe/extension/wing of the church.

What is not so obvious is the influence of the Kerala culture on Christianity. While this influence might not be obvious, I feel that the influence runs quite deep. For example, though Christianity reached Kerala 2000 years ago, only about 20% of the population in Kerala is Christian. I feel that one of the key factors that has influenced this is the basic Hindu philosophy of 'universal acceptance'. It was this cultural context/background that welcomed Christianity in Kerala. Thus culturally speaking, the Christian 'way of life' was assimilated into the mainstream of Hindu 'way of life' to a large extent and this made the need of having to forge a very distinct cultural identity less pressing. While a somewhat distinct cultural identity evolved over the centuries, the identity was not radically different in most dimensions. Again, as mentioned earlier, this Christian way of life also influenced the mainstream Hindu way of life - making the cultural distinctions even less pronounced. For example Christmas is celebrated across Kerala and 'Christmas stars' would be found in many non-christian homes also. Similarly Christians also celebrate 'Onam'. While Onam is a harvest festival, the mythology that underlies Onam is a distinctly Hindu one (that of Mahabali and Vamana). But this has not in any way affected the enthusiasm with which Keralite Christians participate in Onam celebrations. It is interesting to note that Keralire Christians are quite open to study/learn (and also open to let their kids study/learn) the religious texts/ philosophies of other religions. In Kerala, knowledge is given high importance/status. Most of the Keralite Christians view the religious texts/ philosophies of other religions essentially as knowledge - and hence worth studying/ learning ! I feel that knowledge of other religions would enable us to understand our own religion better.

Another relevant factor here is the 'bed-time stories' told to young children in Christian households in Kerala. They hear stories based on Hindu mythology in addition to the stories from the Bible. I feel that this leads to greater understanding, appreciation and respect for the Hindu way of life. May be, more religious harmony gets created through these stories than through the formal initiatives of the religious leaders!

From Cross to Crucifix

Till a few years ago, I used to prefer a Cross over a Crucifix. Actually, I was a bit uncomfortable with crucifix. Crucifix seemed to invoke somewhat messy and painful sensations in me. In comparison, cross appeared to be neat and elegant. Also, if Jesus Christ has 'already overcome the cross' (through resurrection) why put him back there unnecessarily? 

These days, I prefer a crucifix over a cross. I feel that crucifix is more real. Maybe, it is because I can relate better with a crucifix now. I think that it reflects a change in my perspective on life and on God over the years.

Till a few years ago, my self image was that of a person who is 'not perfect but largely OK and largely in control of his life'. Over the years, expanding life has brought in new complexities, problems, paradoxes and dilemms. Many of these (especially the paradoxes and dilemmas) have no neat solutions and hence one has to learn live with them. Hence, I am beginning to understand the inherent 'messiness' in life.

Maybe, it is not appropriate to call it 'messiness' (as it might have a negative connotation). Maybe, it is the essential reality of life and spiritual growth and anything 'neater' than this would take away from the richness of life. This also makes one more humble and more welcoming of God's grace! Grace is an essential requirement for successfully grappling with the problems, complexities, dilemmas and paradoxes and to learn and grow in the process.

Another relevant factor in my case is an increased awareness of the reality of the 'person' of Christ - in the sense of being 'fully God and fully man' at the same time. Now, this mystery (of being 'fully God and fully man at the same time') is something that I have very much struggled to understand over the years, often making many mistakes in the process. It is very easy to make the mistake of underestimating one of the aspects and overestimating the other aspect.

For example, a few years ago I thought that Christ was essentially a divine being and that his human nature was secondary - something that the divine being can put on and take off - almost like a cloth - to achieve the divine objectives.

The problem with this kind of thinking is that this could lead to the conclusion that the crucifixion and the suffering of Christ was not fully real (at least in the physical/human plane) or that the 'teachings of Christ' was more important than the 'life of Christ on the earth'.

With God's grace, after many messy, painful and highly personal struggles with the ambiguities, problems, dilemmas and paradoxes of life over many years (a process that might be very similar to what is meant by the 'circumcision of the heart'), now I think that Christ's crucifixion and suffering was real* and that the 'life of Christ on the earth' (being 'fully man and fully God at the same time') is what makes his teachings real. Also, now I am of the opinion that the biggest miracle of Jesus was himself (being fully man and fully God at the same time) and that itself is the key message of Christianity. 

Moreover, this gives me the confidence that Jesus can understand me and relate to my problems and suffering. Remember, Jesus retained his wounds even after resurrection! In a way, 'the God who suffers with us' even now (and not just suffered for us once a long time ago) and hence is 'with us' in a very real way, is definitely more comforting!

All this makes me prefer a crucifix over a cross. The Christ that I am interested in is the Christ that I can experience and relate to,  and  who can understand me and my human problems and struggles! 

Of course, I believe that Christ also experienced joy (in addition to sorrow) during his life on earth and that his joy was equally real as his sorrow. So, Christ can be there with me in both my joy and sorrow! 

*Note:  Recently, I came to know that my initial inference (underestimating the the humanness of Christ) was a 'heresy' called 'Docetism' (attributed mainly to Gnostics) that existed during the first few centuries of the Christian Era. Maybe, I should try to learn more about Church history !